Wanna Win Idol? Take Our Advice

Fox’s annual circus hit TV town last week, and yep, after a couple of nights, there were plenty of entertaining entries on the screen. To get down the road on American Idol, certain rules must be followed, and certain faux-pases must be avoided. Here’s part of the list. You know who the characters are, right?

Do: Tell the producers a great back story that might land you one of those “down on the farm” segments where we see you frolicking with your son/daughter/pets/tractor. The sadder, the better.

Don’t: Have your back story be tied to a bag of nail clippings, your “Star Wars” fetish, a stalker routine, an ability to make funny noises or a “wacky” original song about abstinence. Speaking of chastity, though never-been-kissed virgin Bruce Dickson and his lock-and-key necklace told a tale so bizarrely endearing the striking Writers Guild of America should investigate whether he had some help with it, we recommend a little less sharing next time.

Do: Try to stand out in front of the judges by wearing something interesting, (slightly) provocative, flattering or, failing that, bland enough that it doesn’t distract them from your singing.

Don’t: Shop at the costume shop, paint your face, wear a Cowell-esque top that exposes so much of your chest that Simon and Randy lose their focus, attach anything resembling tin foil to your body or have your shirt signed by your “supporters.” And, for the love of God, if you can’t see your feet, don’t wear a Princess Leia costume, even if you are manscaped. Nobody needs to see that.

Check tonight’s show and come back tomorrow for our weekly recap.